We are having a baby!

It has been far too long since I have blogged! A whole lot has happened in the last year.  I'm currently 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant, so I think now is as good a time as ever to do a little documenting on the blog. After all, this is my last chance before our little one arrives! :)

Long story short, the Lord has been incredibly gracious to me and Gray. On August 9, 2015, in the midst of feeling confused and saddened from more failed fertility treatments, we found out that we were pregnant! Despite the reality of our situation and statistics weighing against us, we conceived naturally without the help of fertility treatments. We couldn't believe it! Just typing this brings tears to my eyes and leads me to worship! We serve a good, good Father! (Shout-out to Chris Tomlin.) For the last two years I've struggled with feeling like God had forgotten me and that he didn't really care. This blessing is a reminder that his gifts are not dependent upon our faithfulness but on HIS faithfulness. I'm so thankful for that truth!!

We've had a few scares along the way during this pregnancy, but time and time again, God intervened and all issues were resolved. We are expecting a perfectly healthy baby girl!

I just know when I meet our little Charlotte Rose and hold her in my arms for the very first time I am holding a miracle and will be constantly reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness. He still performs miracles and is intimately involved in the lives of his children. Praise the Lord!

I'll write more at some point in the near future, but for now, you'll have to excuse me while I go get dressed and put my bags in the car because we are about to go HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!

 with love,
The Gardners

Returning

Yesterday I started the She Reads Truth lent bible study and it has already been so good for my heart. Today the theme was returning to God. I am in the midst of the toughest battle I have faced thus far in my life. My trust in the Lord's goodness has never wavered so much as it has in the last year. I have often felt like God has forgotten about me or even worse, that he just didn't care. These thoughts have made me feel far from the Lord and often times very guilty because I KNOW God is faithful, I KNOW that he loves me, I KNOW that his plan is perfect, but being in the middle of this trial has made it nearly impossible for me to FEEL those things. 

Then today I read the words from Jeremiah 24:4-7: 

Then the word of the Lord came to me: “Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel: Like these good figs, so I will regard as good the exiles from Judah, whom I have sent away from this place to the land of the Chaldeans. I will set my eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up, and not tear them down; I will plant them, and not pluck them up. I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart.

A sweet promise from the Lord. He will always bring me back to himself. He will give me a heart to know him better, he will be MY God, I will return to him with my whole heart, and he will take me back...even in my faithlessness he will take me back. 

Today my prayer is that I will return to God with my whole heart. I pray that even though I don't know when or how this battle will end, I will trust the Lord today in the midst.  

Our Journey to start a family UPDATE!

We are long past due for an update!

First — thank you to all of you that have sent messages of love and support, shared stories of similar struggles, purchased necklaces, prayed for us, and in general, have just been caring and understanding. The flood of love and support we have received has overwhelmed us. So thank you!

Because of your support, Fashioned by Hand has been a huge success! I have made more necklaces than I ever imagined I would in the last three months. Because of your support and because you continue to spread the word so well about our little business, we have already raised close to $8,000 from necklaces alone! Again -- THANK YOU! I have really loved creating hand-stamped necklaces and have recently ventured into making bracelets. I have discovered that I really enjoy designing and making meaningful jewelry for people! Fashioned by Hand has not only served as a great business to help raise money for our medical expenses, but has also been a therapeutic outlet for me as I am focusing on creating rather than dwelling on the struggles we are facing. I look forward to continuing Fashioned by Hand and am excited to see where it goes! J

Second — because of everything going on in our lives, we decided it was best if I resigned from my job at the high school. This was a difficult decision, but it was necessary for me and for our family. Right now our priority is figuring out these medical issues so we can start a family. We have come to the realization that there will be never a “convenient” time for us to struggle with infertility and the numerous doctor visits and treatments that go along with it. I’ve had more doctor visits the last several months than I’ve had in my entire life! It’s been very difficult to balance the stress of everything that’s going on medically, the stress of a full-time job, the stress of another full-time job in Fashioned by Hand, the stress of loving my family, the stress of being a faithful church member, and the stress of managing things at home. Needless to say, there has been a lot of stress! The time constraints were too many for me to continue to work well at the high school, so it was best for everyone involved that I step down. I SO appreciate those of you that have been supportive and understanding of this decision.

Finally — on to some medical updates: I had surgery on Tuesday!

Yes, I know—crazy! Let me catch you up to speed on what’s been going on.

In the past two months we have gone to two different doctors for a second and third medical opinion. You'll remember from our first post that our original doctor was on the extreme of believing natural killer cells were the culprit and could only be stopped by IVIG ($12,500 worth of it), and that our only shot at future pregnancies would require an additional $27,000 in treatments (the “big guns”). We’ve been planning for that future. But we knew the way we went from zero to the maximum treatments was concerning, and you don’t just jump into something that big without first checking and rechecking the data. So it was necessary in our minds to get another opinion, even while we continued saving for our future family.

After several visits, we now have a new doctor! He has been voted best doctor in Dallas by the Big D magazine 14 years in a row (how did we just hear about this guy??), he actually takes insurance, and he even has some patients that attend our church and who have raved about him. He is a great balance of “mad-scientist” and “personable”, so we really like him! He gave us a really balanced prognosis. First, he affirmed everything the first doctor diagnosed me with: natural killer cells, the need for medications to sustain a pregnancy, etc. But then he gave us some great news:

1)    We don’t have to use the $2,500-a-pop IVIG treatments. Instead, we can do $255 intralipid infusions, which they actually come to our house to administer. Because my natural killer cells are so high and activated we are still working to find a high enough dosage of intralipids that works as effectively as IVIG, but he is optimistic we will get there! To give you an idea of how high my NKs are, we have already quadrupled the normal dosage! Fortunately, the cost is no different if you double or triple or even quadruple the prescription. But it is still somewhat nerve-racking not to see the number of killer cells suppressed as effectively as they were with IVIG. The doctor is confident that one more increase in the prescription should garner the same effects as the IVIG, so I’m trying to stay positive. If intralipids work as advertised, our total cost of starting a family will immediately drop from nearly $40,000 to $29,000. That’s a big deal!

2)    Then the doctor hit us with some more great news: he said there is no reason at this point in our journey to jump straight to the “big guns” of fertility treatments as the issues we have primarily affect sustaining a pregnancy, and not getting pregnant. So we are praying that this information is correct and we are able to conceive with out the costly treatments originally planned. If it is, we will drop the immensely expensive treatments prescribed by the first doctor!

You can imagine our collective sigh of relief! This is a huge praise for us. We’re still cautious to get too excited (I mean, we don’t actually have a baby yet), but this swing of prognosis is pretty amazing, all things considered.

So that’s the good news. The next step in the doctor’s prognosis was what led to surgery this week.

My sister was diagnosed with endometriosis last year, a disease that is carried through a maternal gene. The doctor knew I carried the gene since my sister has the disease, but could not determine if the gene was activated or not without “taking a look inside”. Endometriosis is correlated to infertility and miscarriage, so it was important to determine if I had it or not. Because it does not show up in sonograms or x-rays, and because I was not showing any other symptoms of endometriosis, the only way to know if I had it was through surgery. So on Tuesday I had a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy.

From the surgery, the doctor was able to determine that I do in fact have endometriosis. That’s the bad news. Though it can be treated, but I will always have the disease, which is a bummer. However, the good news is that he was able to treat the visible effects of the disease during surgery and remove all of the adhesions I currently had, meaning that we should have an easier time conceiving going forward. The doctor was extremely optimistic about our increased chances of getting pregnant in the months immediately following surgery. While I hate having another thing wrong with me, I can’t help but to be thankful to have a diagnosis for some of the fertility issues we’ve experienced and to have it already treated.

Right now I’m sore, on a lot of pain meds, and taking it easy around the house. But I’m very optimistic with where we are at and am hopeful that everything the doctor has said will be true: that we won’t have to pull out the big guns in treatment, that the intralipid infusions will be as successful at suppressing natural killer cells as the IVIG, and that the removal of endometriosis will help us get pregnant. Things with our new doctor have really progressed in a positive way, and we are SO thankful for that!

We will go back to the doctor next week for a post-op appointment. During that visit we will figure out the best road forward for starting a family. Please continue to pray for us: that the treatments he is suggesting will work, that we will be able to get pregnant and sustain it, and ultimately that we will trust in the Lord and see his goodness even in our trials! Also pray that Fashioned by Hand will continue to be successful as I invest more time and energy in it. We are so thankful for all of you for the way you love us and care for us. We will keep you updated as we continue this journey!

Our Journey to Start A Family

The past year has been the most significant of our lives and marriage.

We have moved nearly 1,000 miles away from everything familiar. We have started new full-time jobs that have challenged and encouraged us. We have become financially independent for the first time in our young marriage. We have become a part of a great new church family. We have built relationships with friends that we know will last a lifetime. The list continues.

These major changes have brought with them moments of sheer joy, excitement, and contentment in the life God has given us. For these blessings, we should be thankful!

But unfortunately, thankfulness has been hard to come by. Despite the high “highs” of this season, the lows have been very low and left us struggling to find hope.

———

On Christmas Eve, 2013, we were blessed to find out we were expecting a baby! God found it fit to bless us with a child and we couldn’t be more thankful.

The news was the greatest Christmas gift either of us will ever receive. We were to be parents. It was the news I always dreamed of hearing. I was ready to be a mommy, and I was thrilled! We would be celebrating our next Christmas with our very own bundle of joy.

Our joy overflowed into excited conversations with close friends and family. We shared laughs, hugs, tears, and spoke freely of the nine-month journey we were setting upon.

For seven days we relished our new identity as parents. We dreamed of the little baby we would soon be welcoming into the world. We thought of names, philosophies for parenting, and prayed our child would learn to follow Jesus. Our lives would forever be changed. For seven days, we were not simply Jen and Gray—we were Mommy and Daddy.

For seven days.

On New Years Day, I began experiencing signs of miscarriage. I have never experienced such gut-wrenching despair. I knew I was losing our baby, but there was nothing that I could do but pray and plead with the Lord to spare the precious life that he had given us and that we wanted so much. Frantic calls to nurses and eventual doctors visits confirmed my anguished fears: we had lost the baby.

Never has sorrow defeated joy as it did that day. The pain of loss is never so great as when the joy taken exceeds all earthly experiences.  My life was forever changed; our lives were forever changed.

Our grief has hardly relented since that day. Soon after receiving the news, in February, we moved to a new state after Gray accepted a position working for a church in Midlothian, Texas, thirty-minutes south of Dallas. With excitement tempered by heavy hearts, we transitioned from the loving support of our families and church family into a new and unfamiliar place.

We began settling in to our new home, slowly taking care of all the details required in moving. It was soon after that, in a routine visit to the doctor, I learned I had abnormal blood-work. At this point we were already anxious to begin trying to conceive again. Given the results of the blood-work, I was referred to a specialist: a brilliant reproductive endocrinologist in Dallas who does not take insurance, but who specializes in pregnancy loss and immunological disorders.

After six months, a considerable amount of doctors visits, and too many thousands of dollars to count, we’ve learned that I have quite a few immunological abnormalities: antinuclear antibodies, an autoimmune thyroid disease, and high numbers of natural killer cells. Most significant of these diagnoses is the number of active natural killer cells I have in my body.  Natural killer cells attack and kill anything foreign to my body, including viruses, cancer cells, and sadly babies. Together these diagnoses are deadly for babies in the womb. So deadly, that without medical treatment, I would have only a 4% chance of carrying a baby to term if I were to get pregnant again.

I was devastated. Our dreams of becoming parents quickly diminished with the heartbreaking news. My first emotion was sadness along with the constant question of Why? I went from dreaming about having a large family with multiple kids to pleading with God to just give me one. I have never felt so desperate and needy for the Lord in my life. I need his grace and peace to sustain me during this trial because my faith has never been put to test like it has been in this last year. The very thing I want in this life besides honoring the Lord is to be a mom and that road isn’t going to be as easy as I once thought. It has been a difficult pill to swallow.

Our hopes were soon lifted when we learned that with the right combination of medicines and treatments, my odds of carrying a baby full-term improved from only 4% to a staggering 78%, only two-percentage points below the average for healthy women! I could exhale. The nightmarish experience would soon be behind us! Or so I thought.

We were devastated once again in learning the cost of the prescribed treatment—none of which is covered by insurance. Among other medications, I will need Intravenous Immunoglobulin infusions (IVIG) for the first five months of pregnancy. These monthly infusions will suppress my immune system and eradicate the high number of natural killer cells in my body. IVIG is the most important of all the medicines; it is also the most expensive. Each infusion costs $2,500 cash at the time of the appointment. No payment plans. No insurance. No “I owe yous.” Without counting other medicines, treatments, or doctors visits, I will have to spend $12,500 simply to do what every woman should naturally be able to do: sustain a pregnancy.

The hard news of high costs was soon made even harder when we learned that additional fertility treatments will also be necessary in order for me to even get pregnant again. Because of all of the medications and treatments I will need in order to become a mom, my next pregnancy will cost close to $40,000. Needless to say, we are in well over our heads.

———

Right now we want nothing more than to start our family. We have a diagnosis and a treatment plan that gives us an incredibly optimistic outlook for conceiving and sustaining a future pregnancy. But what we don’t have is money to cover the extravagant costs; what I don’t have is a storehouse of hope.

The shadow of New Years 2014 looms ever large, and the sorrow I feel intensifies with every passing day, every passing pregnancy announcement, every passing baby shower invitation. I want to be a mom more than anything in this world! The thought of not having that opportunity is nearly unbearable.

In my heart, I know that God exists. I know that he cares for me. But trusting in his goodness and in his faithfulness has been immensely difficult. Never in my life have I doubted him like I have the past eleven months. Never in my life have I had to struggle so consistently for joy. Never in my life has my heart hardened with bitterness, as it is prone to do these days. In many ways, this should have been the greatest year of my life. But I’ve been left reeling, stretched to limits I never thought possible, having conversations with doctors and with Gray that I was never prepared for.

Thankfulness has been hard to come by. Yet I know that I must choose faith, I must choose hope, and I must choose love. Although outwardly I am wasting away, inwardly I am striving to be renewed day by day. But it’s hard. I know that this is nothing in comparison to the weight of eternal glory. But I earnestly pray that this season will soon pass.

———

We are already saving for Baby Gardner! But our paychecks alone will not be enough to support the costs mentioned above. So in order to help pay for the nearly $40,000 of medications and treatments we require, I will be making and selling personalized hand-stamped jewelry! You can see some of my work and get ordering information on my fashioned by hand Facebook page and/or Etsy shop. The cost is $30-40, and all proceeds will be going directly to our baby fund! We got the name fashioned by hand from Psalm 139 because it talks about how God created us and intimately knows us. It also says that everyday was planned or "fashioned"  before even one came to be. This chapter in psalm has been a great comfort to me during this trial. I am trusting that God gives life and he is intimately involved in every detail of each day. This trial has not taken him by surprise and he is in control. Every purchase made from fashioned by hand will get us a little closer to starting our family. You can place an order through my Etsy shop, Facebook page, or even sending me an email at jennifermgardner@me.com. 

Most of all, please pray for us as we walk this journey and trust the Lord through it all. 

Summertime- Youth Camp Overload!

For the sake of updating family, friends, and being able to look back on life during this season, I am going to do a quick recap (mostly pictures) of life in youth ministry since May..

Summers in youth ministry are AWESOME and NON STOP!

Below is a mix of pictures from Horizon Camp, Quest Ranch, and our Memphis Mission Trip. We had an awesome summer getting to grow in our relationships with the students and see God move in a lot of their lives.

Now that summer is over and fall has begun we are really looking forward to this semester! Please continue to pray for our ministry at FBCM. Pray that the Lord would save the lost in our community and build up the believers to be love God and other people well.